Premarital Counseling – 5 Tips

Young adults who are anticipating getting married are not stupid. They have seen the previous generation go through divorce after divorce and so they know firsthand of the disastrous effects divorce has on children, unspoken of or not. Far too many of you who anticipate marriages are only armed with the commitment that what happened to your parents will not happen to you. That's fine; but it's very similar to the commitment we adults had about parenting. We knew we wouldn't raise you the way we were raised, but we didn't look closely enough at marriage itself.

This evolutionary process (it is an evolutionary process, isn't it?) definitely works to some extent but it is rather unscientific. This method relies only on trial and error, learning from your mistakes and not repeating them. What is really necessary is a system of marriage that is laid out in front of you before you get married. Then you don't have to make the same mistakes that everyone has made in the past. You can start with fact-based information about how to behave, how to communicate correctly and how not to behave. The manual for marriage now exists, but it isn't my goal to advertise the work that I have done as much as it is to remind you that you're not getting into something that just happens naturally. Because of our culture and the power of our environment to influence us, having a happy marriage doesn't just happen. Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not trying to say that marriage requires tremendous work; it doesn't. But it does require a conscious decision to do what is correct.

The dynamics of a marriage are far different from any other social or other kind of relationship dynamics. There are certain rules that need to be followed. If you don't know the laws of marriage, no matter how great your desire to do the right thing is, you are going to make mistakes out of sheer ignorance. Ignorance is not a bad thing. It is what it is, unless you already knew what not to do. In that case you are responsible for your ignorance. Do you see my point? If you have a manual but choose not to read it, and then stumble through a process thinking you will figure it out as you go along, you are underestimating the importance of marriage.

Many people go to their religious leaders for premarital coaching. I am very much in favor of this because every religion offers guidelines of life that are very relevant. I must also state, from my own experience with couples who were suffering from painful marriages, that those guidelines are not enough. Other people go to psychologists for premarital coaching. I am sad to say I discourage this practice. It seems their systems focus on the negative in the name of exposing the dangers and pitfalls. Unfortunately they don't discuss adequately with depth the benefits of a sacred relationship, which marriage is. It is my ongoing contention that people must recognize the three aspects of their being (physical, psychological and spiritual). Western psychology completely ignores the spiritual aspect of humanity; a three legged stool will not stand, nor can mankind understand its true nature when it ignores its spiritual aspect. Ironically, the spiritual aspect of man is the essential aspect and it must be addressed and understood in order to get the full benefit of marriage. Please note I am not a religionist. I suppose all religions are good and none are perfect. Spirituality is part and parcel of all religions and even exists when people don't practice religion.

# 1) Know the person you're going to marry so character traits that might offend you are not revealed six months or six years down the road.

# 2) Appreciate them for who they are. Have no desire to change them.

# 3) Don't pretend they don't have flaws. But don't discuss their flaws with them.

4) Speak at length about raising children. Talk about how you want to raise them, include your goals and how you hope to achieve them. Talk about methods of discipline. Discuss what you will do with your children, and how much time each of you will spend with them. 5) Talk about your future intimacy. Talk about what lovemaking means to you but never correct each other. Tell your partner how you think your sex life might change after you are married. Be open about what your expectations are but don't ask for a commitment. Know for certain that a person does what they want to do but primarily what they are used to doing, so don't expect change.

The above five tips are just the tip of the iceberg. A truly happy marriage comes from unselfish and mature behavior. Learn what it takes and you will have the happiest marriage on earth. That is my prayer for you. Don't forget to tell your significant other, "I love you."
Paul Friedman


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About the Author:

Paul Friedman’s entry into the business of helping couples mend their marriages began with a very rough personal experience with divorce. Paul came out of an early retirement to become a mediator. His belief was that couples could easily work out the details of separation and get on with their lives. He discovered the truth from his clients:they only sought divorce because the help they found to stay together didn't work.

Read more relationship advice at Lessons For a Happy Marriage.com

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Premarital Counseling – 5 Tips

Marriage Counseling--Seven Tips to Live Longer

by: Barbara Bartlein


We have all heard the stories; the executive retires in Spring and dies before the first Winter snowfall. While some may conclude that the former exec just couldn’t adjust to retirement, it is more likely that they burned themselves out working. That is, years of shortchanging their own personal well-being finally caught up with them.

It is so easy to get trapped on the treadmill of demanding schedules and too many priorities using caffeinated energy to get things done. It is often self-care that gets put on the shelf first because there just isn’t time to exercise and eat right. Yet, there is increasing research that even small lifestyle changes can be a major factor in a long healthy life.

Some suggestions:

• Keep a long fuse. Scientists use to believe that “Type A’s,” those people driven by ambition, were most at risk for heart attacks. But recent research demonstrates that it is not striving for goals that have people dropping like flies; it is being hostile, angry and cynical. A hostile disposition is also dangerous once cardiovascular disease sets in. Dr. Murray Mittleman, a cardiovascular epidemiologist at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, interviewed 1623 men and women who had heart attacks. He found that the risk of having an attack was twice as great in those that were angry in the two hours before the incident.


• Lighten up. There is increasing evidence linking depression to heart disease. Johns Hopkins researchers interviewed 1551 people in the early 1980’s who were free of heart disease. They followed up fourteen years later and found that those who reported a history of a major depression were four times as likely to have a heart attack as those not depressed.

• Get off the couch. Not only for weight control, better circulation, reduced risk of diabetes, but exercise actually works as an anti-depressant. In a recent study at Duke University, 60 % of clinically depressed people who took a brisk 30-minute walk at least three times per week were no longer depressed after 16 weeks. Increasingly psychiatrists are finding that exercise can often work as well as anti-depressants for the mildly depressed individual.

• Flatten the middle. It’s been more than 50 years since French scientist Jean Vague noted that people with a lot of upper-body fat (those that look like apples, rather than pears), often developed heart disease, diabetes and other ailments. Since the introduction of CT and MRI scans, Drs. have discovered that a visceral fat, located within the abdomen was strongly linked to these diseases. The good news is that this type of fat also burns off the fastest. This is why even a small reduction in weight can reverse the deadly factors of heart disease.

• Limit bad habits. Heavy drinking, smoking, overeating, and overcaffeinating are major factors in the development of heart disease and other problems. It has been found that both drinking and smoking tend to increase the abdominal fat that puts folks at risk for heart disease. Excessive caffeine increased blood pressure to dangerous levels for people experiencing job stress.

• Fire up your metabolism. New research shows that a healthy metabolic profile counts far more than cardiovascular fitness or weight alone. In a Japanese study, a group of men were put on a low-intensity exercise program for one year. Although they did not lose weight, nor improve their cardiovascular fitness, their metabolic health improved dramatically (measured by how well the body utilizes insulin). States Glenn A. Glaesser of the University of Virginia, “Metabolic fitness is one of the best safeguards against heart disease, stroke and diabetes.”

• Approach sleep like Goldilocks—Just right. In a recent study of 72,000 nurses published in the January Archives of Internal Medicine, researchers found that getting too little sleep—or too much—may raise the risk of developing heart disease. Women who averaged five hours or less of sleep a night were 39% more likely to develop heart disease than those that got eight hours. And nine or more hours of shuteye was associated with a 37% higher risk of heart disease.

Your best investment for the future is in your health today.

About The Author

Barbara Bartlein, RN, LCSW, is The People Pro. She is a clinical psychotherapist and has worked with couples for over twenty five years. She is also the author of "Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage," which received a five star rating on Amazon and is a best seller. She can be reached at 888-747-9953 or by e-mail at barb@thepeoplepro.com Visit her website at http://www.101MarriageCounseling.com.

For more tips to improve your relationship, please visit: http://www.101MarriageCounseling.com.

Marriage Counseling--Seven Tips to Live Longer

by: Barbara Bartlein


We have all heard the stories; the executive retires in Spring and dies before the first Winter snowfall. While some may conclude that the former exec just couldn’t adjust to retirement, it is more likely that they burned themselves out working. That is, years of shortchanging their own personal well-being finally caught up with them.

It is so easy to get trapped on the treadmill of demanding schedules and too many priorities using caffeinated energy to get things done. It is often self-care that gets put on the shelf first because there just isn’t time to exercise and eat right. Yet, there is increasing research that even small lifestyle changes can be a major factor in a long healthy life.

Some suggestions:

• Keep a long fuse. Scientists use to believe that “Type A’s,” those people driven by ambition, were most at risk for heart attacks. But recent research demonstrates that it is not striving for goals that have people dropping like flies; it is being hostile, angry and cynical. A hostile disposition is also dangerous once cardiovascular disease sets in. Dr. Murray Mittleman, a cardiovascular epidemiologist at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, interviewed 1623 men and women who had heart attacks. He found that the risk of having an attack was twice as great in those that were angry in the two hours before the incident.


• Lighten up. There is increasing evidence linking depression to heart disease. Johns Hopkins researchers interviewed 1551 people in the early 1980’s who were free of heart disease. They followed up fourteen years later and found that those who reported a history of a major depression were four times as likely to have a heart attack as those not depressed.

• Get off the couch. Not only for weight control, better circulation, reduced risk of diabetes, but exercise actually works as an anti-depressant. In a recent study at Duke University, 60 % of clinically depressed people who took a brisk 30-minute walk at least three times per week were no longer depressed after 16 weeks. Increasingly psychiatrists are finding that exercise can often work as well as anti-depressants for the mildly depressed individual.

• Flatten the middle. It’s been more than 50 years since French scientist Jean Vague noted that people with a lot of upper-body fat (those that look like apples, rather than pears), often developed heart disease, diabetes and other ailments. Since the introduction of CT and MRI scans, Drs. have discovered that a visceral fat, located within the abdomen was strongly linked to these diseases. The good news is that this type of fat also burns off the fastest. This is why even a small reduction in weight can reverse the deadly factors of heart disease.

• Limit bad habits. Heavy drinking, smoking, overeating, and overcaffeinating are major factors in the development of heart disease and other problems. It has been found that both drinking and smoking tend to increase the abdominal fat that puts folks at risk for heart disease. Excessive caffeine increased blood pressure to dangerous levels for people experiencing job stress.

• Fire up your metabolism. New research shows that a healthy metabolic profile counts far more than cardiovascular fitness or weight alone. In a Japanese study, a group of men were put on a low-intensity exercise program for one year. Although they did not lose weight, nor improve their cardiovascular fitness, their metabolic health improved dramatically (measured by how well the body utilizes insulin). States Glenn A. Glaesser of the University of Virginia, “Metabolic fitness is one of the best safeguards against heart disease, stroke and diabetes.”

• Approach sleep like Goldilocks—Just right. In a recent study of 72,000 nurses published in the January Archives of Internal Medicine, researchers found that getting too little sleep—or too much—may raise the risk of developing heart disease. Women who averaged five hours or less of sleep a night were 39% more likely to develop heart disease than those that got eight hours. And nine or more hours of shuteye was associated with a 37% higher risk of heart disease.

Your best investment for the future is in your health today.

About The Author

Barbara Bartlein, RN, LCSW, is The People Pro. She is a clinical psychotherapist and has worked with couples for over twenty five years. She is also the author of "Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage," which received a five star rating on Amazon and is a best seller. She can be reached at 888-747-9953 or by e-mail at barb@thepeoplepro.com Visit her website at http://www.101MarriageCounseling.com.

For more tips to improve your relationship, please visit: http://www.101MarriageCounseling.com.